Jaye: "I surrender to destiny." Famous last words. Seriously, they put it on bathrobes and stuff.

Aaron: She lives in a trailer park, Clearly she's disturbed. I mean *clearly*.

Dad: Sweetheart....when's the last time you had an orgasm?
Sharon: That sound you hear is stunned silence.
Dad: There's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people have orgasms everyday.
Jaye: Not ashamed. Mortified.

Sharon: I think we should put her down.
Mom: Sharon.
Aaron: It is just like going to sleep.

Doctor: Actually, the medium-point bic round stick is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies.

Eric: I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say?
Jaye: Sweet of you to offer but, I may be clinically insane. You might want to hold out for someone a little more stable.
Eric: I don't think that would be as interesting.

Jaye: I love you. *Please* don't respond to that.

Eric: Well, for those of us not in cults, I think there's something to be said for surrendering to destiny. I mean if it's destiny there's probably a reason for it, right?
Jaye: Okay.
Eric: So why struggle with fate? Life can be sort of peaceful when you stop struggling.
Jaye: It's a lot like drowning that way.

Karma Chameleon

Jaye: Wait. I can't let you give me your last eight dollars. Here's five back.

Jaye: It's like you've been at it your whole life yet managed not to have your soul crushed.

Mahandra: You're not using the new girl as your personal --
Jaye: Slave? Well, not in a historically insensitive way. In fact I'm helping her. I'm sort of her speech therapist. I've been finishing her sentences for her.
Mahandra: Then you're sort of everybody's speech therapist, aren'tcha?

Mahandra: Don't you find it odd that this girl is willing to blithely carry out acts of violence on your behalf? She's like your own personal Heinrich Himmler.
Jaye: There were no orders to hurt or maim. Bianca's a free agent. And she's fun. You should come out with us. I thought we could take her clubbing.
Mahandra: Baby seals?
Jaye: You're overreacting. You'd like her if you gave her a chance.
Mahandra: Can you hear the seals, Clarice? They're screaming.

Mahandra: Ohmygod. She's like a Jaye Tyler cover band.

Jaye: You're like that girl in that movie who wanted to be that other girl so much she killed for it!
Bianca: Grease?
Jaye: Single White Female!
Bianca: No, I'm st-st-
Jaye: Stalking me?!
Bianca: St-st-
Jaye: Stabbing me?!
Bianca: St-st-
Jaye: Stealing my organs after you stab me?!
Bianca: St-st-
Jaye: Stitching a skin suit out of my dead corpse after you stab me and steal my organs?!
Bianca: I'm *studying* you!
Jaye: Wha...?

Jaye: You're writing an article on how I'm a loser?
Bianca: N-no. It's really about w-winners who haven't w-won. Yet. Or ever.

Bianca: Your home is a *trailer*. Don't you see the beautiful poetry in that? It's a thing that's been designed to *go* someplace, and yet the hitch isn't hooked *up* to anything. So it just *sits* here, never living up to it's potential. But never in any danger of breaking down either.

Bianca: You've shown me a new way. I can live in a pressureless, expectation-free zone.
Jaye: That's my zone. You're parked in my zone.

Aaron: What's she investigating?
Jaye: Me! She's investigating me!
Sharon: Is it a criminal investigation?

Jaye: I mean, my crappy life? Lousy job I hate. Well meaning but -- let's just say it -- overbearing parents. Disapproving sister. A brother who lives at home but is still considered more successful than I am... which could be because I live in a trailer that, while it may look like Jeannie's Bottle, is actually slightly smaller. And a bar stool that, frankly -- kind of leaves a welt. Who'd choose that? Hell, who'd even wanna read about it?
Eric: I would.
Jaye: You would? Five thousand words?
Eric: And if there were pictures? I'd buy two copies.

Jaye: Daughter Jaye lives in Niagara Falls, her blurb, and life are a work in progress.

Wound Up Penguin

Jaye: This is what cults do you know. Deprive their converts of sleep so they'll be confused and vulnerable and more likely to do the stupid things you ask them to do. Like drink the Kool-aid. Is that what you're working up to?

Jaye: But maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics.

Jaye: Did you Agnes-of-God her? I bet he did. I bet he Agnes-of-Goded all over her.

Jaye: Why'd you go to the serial killer place?

Eric: Was. *Was.* Past tense. Things change. People change. And when other people try to force people not to change then the changing, which wasn't easy to begin with, just gets harder.

Jaye: I'm not a liar. Not in this instance anyway.

Eric: So I should go back to her?
Father Scofield: You can forgive someone and still choose not to be with them.
Eric: It was a yes or no question.

Jaye: The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. But they aren't demonic, it just feels that way sometimes when they're making me help people.

Eric: Turns out you were right.
Jaye: I almost never hear that sentence.

Pink Flamingos

Flamingo: Get off your ass!

Mom: Your sister's not capable of cold-blooded murder. She's never been a planner.

Gretchen: I'm in town for the six-and-a-half-year reunion.
Jaye: You couldn't wait three-and-a-half more years?

Gretchen: I'm sort of a Christmas and Easter Jew.

Jaye: Eric can't talk right now, because he's servicing me sexually.

Mahandra: Gretchen Speck is the Antichrist, and you're helping her throw a reunion. You're throwing a reunion with the Antichrist.

Jaye: I don't have a choice. I'm a puppet. The universe sticks its hand up my butt. If I don't dance, people get hurt.

Mahandra: Oh, she is gonna pay. She's gonna pay, then she's gonna pay some more. And after she's done paying -- she's gonna owe me a check.

Jaye: I guess you knew everybody in high school since you love it so much.
Eric: Actually I didn't know anyone. But I knew their names and how many letters were in their names. It's a borderline autistic thing.
Jaye: How many letters in my name?
Eric: Nine.
Jaye: Boutros Boutros Ghali?
Eric: Nineteen.
Jaye: Super cali fragilistic expiali docious?
Eric: Thirty-four. But people ask me that all the time.

Jaye: I'm done fighting. From now on, I'm Fate's bitch.

Mahandra: What a bitch. Is it wrong that I like her now?

Crime Dog

Dad: You've been lying to your entire family about this for twenty years?
Mom: I wasn't lying the whole time. There was the initial lie and then I just never bothered to tell you the truth. I'm not proud of it.

Mom: Sharon, go talk to him. You're his favorite.
Aaron: I thought I was his favorite.
Mom: We don't have favorites.

Aaron: You wear your hillbilly trailer park lifestyle around your neck like a ring of garlic. Are you trying to ward us off?

Yvette: Your teddy bear blankie.
Aaron: They're Ewoks.

Yvette: If I was good at leaving it's because you held the door.

Jaye: You were all back-lit and evil-smoking like that guy on the X-Files.

Yvette: I never thought I'd see them again. But every day for twenty years, I've wondered if I made a mistake. Now I know I didn't.
Jaye: So you recommend this whole running away from your family thing, then? 'Cause I've kind of been considering it.
Yvette: Dear, I've met your family. I know you have wheels on your house -- it's not gonna help.

Barrel Bear

Jaye: Ohmygod. I've been parked in the same spot for two years.
Eric: Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having wheels on your house?
Jaye: I wasn't supposed to be parked this long, was I? I'm inert.

Jaye: How does going over Niagara Falls in a barrel make someone famous?
Mahandra: Uh, because it's Niagara Falls? Where is your hometown pride? You really are like a Hobbit that hates The Shire.

Mahandra: This is sad. This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker.
Alec: At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd.

Jaye: How long have you been using the Republican party as a lesbian dating service?

Vivian: I was supposed to ride that barrel right outa this crummy town.
Jaye: And you never considered a bus?

Millie: "What you did." Honestly, Vivian, what did you do? You fell down. That took gravity, not skill.

Jaye: And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than a somebody that's just a nobody. Or something. Point is -- you suck!

Millie: We're not talking about my fame -- we're talking about Niagara's legacy. A legacy I've been custodian of for more than half a century. Am I suppose to just stand idly by and see all that destroyed?
Mahandra: Hell no!
Eric: Wow. That's impressive. You made ruining that poor woman's life actually sound kinda noble.

Eric: It is sort of the quintessential American tale.
Mahandra: Yes! Exactly. It teaches us there's nothing a person can't do!
Eric: Or nothing a person actually has to do! I mean, look at her. She's one hundred percent fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts! You don't get much more American than that.

Mahandra: You may have started this little geriatric war but I'm gonna finish it.

Jaye: The two people that matter know. The lady that did a thing. And the lady that didn't.

Eric: Do you have to videotape this? You could be recording evidence.
Mahandra: I'm recording history.
Eric: History that's admissable in court.

Mahandra: We're reverse-engineering history.

Vivian: I risked death --
Jaye: -- to avoid work. So I'm thinkin' kind of a role model for lazy.

Jaye: And you think I sit around feeling sorry for myself?
Vivian: God. I would if I were you.
Jaye: Well, you're not me.
Vivian: You're right, I'm not you. Actually... you're me.

Millie: Not only will I be the first American Woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, but I'll be the first to do it twice!
Eric: You didn't do it the first time.

Vivian: You'll never get your car out of this metaphor in time.
Jaye: It's a mud pit, not a metaphor. The car may be stuck, but I'm not.

Millie: It's not too late to come clean. It's not too late to change things. Don't you see? It's never too...
Jaye: I think she's dead.

Vivian: I guess now I know what it's like to be Millie --
Eric: Because you're wearing her clothes?
Vivian: Because I feel like a fraud.
Jaye: Yeah. One of life's little ironies that you have to continue Millie's lie so you can finally tell the truth.

Eric: Millie Marcus taught me that what's most important in life is to be yourself. Even if you have to be somebody else to do it.

Muffin Buffalo

Jaye: What's the point of living in a trailer park if you can't take in the local color. And by that, I mean spy on the freaks.

Dr. Ron: Are you an atheist?
Aaron: As a theologian, I feel it's irresponsible to define myself in those terms. But, yeah.
Dr. Ron: A theologian who doesn't believe in god?
Aaron: There's more of us than you think.

Aaron: Not an existential crisis. Just the opposite. I was fine when existence had no meaning. Meaninglessness in a universe that has no meaning -- that I *get*. But meaninglessness in a universe with meaning? What does that *mean*?

Lovesick Ass

Jaye: But look at him. He's smitten. Smitten and eager are bad. You know what you get with smitten and eager? Romance. Relentless, treacly, manufactured romance. And that kinda romance never ends well.

Eric: But if you want to be close to somebody, really close, you have to open yourself up.
Jaye: Like a wound?

Eric: Hey, you're the one who gave him a taste for it.
Jaye: Taste for what?
Eric: Violence. He probably fell in love with you the moment you threw him up against that wall.

Eric: You know, even if you got rid of me, you'd still be left with the biggest obstacle to Jaye's heart.
Peter: What's that?
Eric: Jaye.

Jaye: But the issues and damage? You weren't wrong about any of that. In fact, you don't even know the half of it. I mean, forget about your damage. I'm quite possibly certifiable. Why would you want to get involved with anything so potentially messy and complicated as, well, me?
Eric: Because you make me happy.

Safety Canary

Eric: You taste good.
Jaye: I do?
Eric: I read this thing about saliva and saliva compatibility. If someone tastes good, you have compatible saliva. If someone tastes bad you, um, you probably shouldn't be kissing them.

Mahandra: You don't just kill love. You stalk it, you toy with it -- then you kill it. You are the huntress, and love is your prey. I mean, look at him.
Jaye: I am.
Mahandra: Like a wounded gazelle. Run, little gazelle! Run! There's danger at the watering hole!

Mahandra: You're in the toying stage. I can almost hear that clicking noise my cat makes.
Jaye: It's not serious enough for there to be toying. We only just found out our saliva's compatible. There's no love to kill yet.
Mahandra: What did you just say?
Jaye: Ssaallliva...?
Mahandra: "Yet." You said "yet." Three little letters and the most romantic thing I've ever heard fly outta your mouth. And also the most terrifying. It's the sound of a fuse being lit.

Jaye: I don't scare you?
Eric: Only in a good way.

Penelope: You can't! I told you, your powerful sexual chemistry is too distracting!
Aaron: I get that a lot, actually.

Jaye: I'm trying to save him. By avoiding him. So I can be with him. But I can't go near him or I'll destroy him, so if I can just manage to stay away from him maybe we can be together. Please don't repeat that back to me.

Jaye: I've never seen anyone work so hard to get someone else to mate in my entire life. You're like the total mack daddy bird pimp.

Lying Pig

Eric: Jaye... This is Heidi... my wife. Heidi, this is Jaye. My... ex. Or something... See Heidi said "I do," then she did. But not with me. Jaye never said she would and she didn't, but broke up with me anyway. You two should chat. You've got a lot in common. I need some air.

Aaron: What's wrong?
Jaye: Nothing. Everything. Don't ask questions.

Jaye: It has to have a face. And from what I can tell it has to be an animal face.
Aaron: Um, you're surrounded by things with animal faces...
Jaye: I know. Crazy, right?

Mahandra: What are you accusing me of? Are you saying I'm glowing? I'm not glowing. I mean, maybe I am. I'm a woman of color, we just do that, alright?

Heidi: You got some of your frustration out with that girl Jaye, and that's good...
Mahandra: Oh please! First of all, if you think Jaye made him *less* frustrated, you're sadly mistaken. And what he did and what you did? Not even in the same *league*.

Jaye: So what were you gonna do? Just leave her here in this hospital all by herself?
Eric: *Yeah*
Jaye: You can't do that.
Eric: Why not?
Jaye: Because you're not that guy. You're just not.

Eric: Just because she can't remember doesn't mean I can forget.

Jaye: Sounds like a lot of pressure.
Heidi: You have no idea. I mean, good pressure. But, sometimes it's like... I look in his eyes and the way they look, I mean the way they see me...
Jaye: It's like you're reflected there...
Heidi: Right. Only, you're not sure if that's you. I mean, if you're the woman he sees you as.
Jaye: But you want to be.
Heidi: You try to be. And you feel like, if he sees you that way, maybe you can be... That's what I want. I want to be the woman Eric sees me as. For him. For both of us.

Jaye: *Faking amnesia?* How "Days Of Our Lives" can you get?

Heidi: You hit me with a television!
Jaye: It was a portable!

Jaye: Fine, I'm the crazy one! But I had the Snake!
Heidi: But it's my snake and I want it back! The snake... that's a penis reference right?
Jaye: No! Gawd! With a mind that works like that, no wonder you cheated on your honeymoon.
Heidi: Okay, glass house, *giant* stone. I cheated *once*, but you've been involved with a married man for months!
Jaye: The bellman, lady, on your *honeymoon*. Between us, *you* win the skanky ho contest.

Mahandra: If you were anyone else, maybe. But you're not anyone else. You're you. And you're like a brother to me.
Aaron: I make love like a black man?
Mahandra: Not that kind of brother, you idiot!

Eric: That's what I want in my life.
Jaye: Insane parents?
Eric: Something worth fighting for.

Mahandra: And you let it happen? You just let him walk out of here with the Heidi-Ho?
Jaye: Oooo, I wish I'd said that.

Mahandra: Actually, sometimes the person you're not supposed to be with is the person you're supposed to be with.

Cocktail Bunny

Jaye: Tell me why. Why make me make the man I love re-marry his hussy-bride? How is that helpful? Who does that benefit besides the hussy 'cause I'm not in the business of benefitting hussies.

Dr. Ron: I'm confused. Did Eric break your heart or was it the fish?
Jaye: The fish. The fish told me to break Eric's heart, which broke my heart.

Mahandra: That's it, you got this cry comin'. Cry until you can't cry no more. I wanna see salt deposits on your cheeks when you're through.
Jaye: I didn't think it would hurt this much. Seeing him with her. In wedded bliss. Without me. And with her. Ohgod, he's gonna grow old with her, isn't he? And I'm gonna die alone. Will you die alone with me?
Mahandra: Of course I will. Who else would I die alone with? Your brother? Ha. I mean, I can't think of any examples actually.

Jaye: Looks like the credit card you used to pay for your sins was declined.

Mahandra: Besides, I can't be happy when she's sad. There are rules.
Aaron: Are you saying I make you happy?
Mahandra: Yes, yes. You make me happy. That's not the point --

Mahandra: You think maybe you want Heidi to be a black widow murderess 'cause that makes her the bad guy and you the good guy and Eric the guy that can only be saved by your love?

Jaye: This is all Heidi. Have you Googled the woman? She's a menace.

Jaye: Now you better tell me. Tell me why you talk to me.
Brass Monkey: I talk to you because you listen.

Angie: I just wanted him to see how much pain I was in. He exposed the rawest, most vulnerable depths of my soul... and walked away.
Mom: That doesn't warrant setting the man on fire.

Totem Mole

Jaye: I couldn't stand the thought of spending another day looking at those faces with their stupid little mouths constantly running and making all sorts of unreasonable demands on me.
Mahandra: Are you sure you should be in a customer service industry?

Old Woman: They speak to you... in many voices. In many forms. You have been sought out for a great purpose. For this you have been chosen.
Jaye: No. I don't want to be chosen. In this instance, I'm anti-choice.

Jaye: Neo was just a big geek until he swallowed that little red pill.
Bill: I'm kind of a geek.
Jaye: Yes, you are. But in a good way, like Neo. So come on. Take the red pill. You know you wanna.

Jaye: It's static cling. I was out of dryer sheets.
Gerry: Lots of things seem to cling to you including the spirits of old women.

Jaye: I'm not a leader. I need a leader.

Jaye: There's no quitting. This is destiny. You can't quit destiny.

Sharon: Karma's comin' around and it's gonna knock her to the ground. Oh. I need to write that down.

Aaron: You're having a spiritual awakening.
Jaye: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're stupid.
Aaron: You're being called.
Jaye: Yeah? Well, I'm transferring the call to his extension.

Bill: Thank you for supporting this imperialist establishment. Enjoy your purchase and have a racist day.

Jaye: Having great purpose isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've had great purpose and I've had no purpose. And I have to say, no purpose is a lot easier. Expectations are low. People don't ask you for anything. Count your blessings.

Jaye: You know, I'm not sure if my burden's a burden or not. I mean, other people seem to want it. And that should always make you pause before giving something up.
Gerry: A lesson my people have learned time and time again.